The Billings Outpost

Matchup fuels paradise for punning fans

By T.J. GILLES - For The Outpost

As the smoke wafted from the final gun of the Seattle Seahawks’ playoff victory, it began dawning on stoners everywhere that the two states where “recreational” use of marijuana has been legalized are both sending teams to the aptly named Super Bowl.

Appropriately, Seattle´s opponents, the Denver Broncos, play home games in (Sports Authority Field at) Mile High Stadium.

Ironically, the Seahawks beat the San Francisco 49ers, where (despite pungent odors in the air at many sporting events), Golden State voters turned down a similar pot-legalization proposal.

Adding to the coincidental serendipity is that Sunday´s game is played in New Jersey, where formerly obese and currently embattled Gov. Chris Christie has called for decriminalization of the weed with roots in hell. Critics called it a smoke screen to divert attention from the state´s real problems, some of them Christy-caused.

And despite the National Football League´s strict rules involving player substance use and abuse, one can´t help wishing to get a whiff of whatever was in the air of that smoke-filled room when NFL execs decided to play the Super Bowl in an uncovered stadium on the shores of New Jersey on Ground Hog Day.

That most macho of presidents, Teddy Roosevelt, once threatened to outlaw football. Back when marijuana wasn’t illegal and Coca-Cola had actual cocaine in it and was served in drugstores everywhere, Teddy said the sport had too many crippling injuries and caused more brain damage than can be seen in a Cheech and Chong movie.

Reason prevailed. Pads were added and beefed up. Helmets were improved.  Rules were changed. The game went on.

And a new industry – sports medicine – was born, a precursor of the re-hab industry which later hopped up to help people with addictions – and to comply with court orders or NFL edicts.

Football is a game of a metaphors. It´s a game of inches. It´s a game of third downs.

It’s a game of clichés.

The possibilities for what might be called the Real Bud Bowl seem enormous.

Will the quarterback bogart the ball too long on that roll-of in front of a packed joint?

“They sure sniffed that one out.”

“They´re going to the shotgun!”

“He really got blitzed on that one!”

“Third and 25, no time-outs. Looks like they´re down to seeds and stems again.”

That most readers recognize these double-entendres (and no doubt can add volumes of their own) indicates that there may be a lot of historical marijuana use in the states where it is illegal.

And remember, if you know a crime is committed, you’re obliged to report it.

Finite nuances of laws vary in each of the states and can be more complicated than any of the hundreds of pass patterns and blocking schemes in an NFL playbook.

If an ounce is the dividing line between a slap on the wrist and a life-ending felony, for example, is there a protocol for drying and weighing it?  How do you define possession? Two feet inbounds? If you got arrested in Colorado the day before the law officially took effect, will they throw the book at you under the old law?

Talk about your timing patterns.

T.J. Gilles is a recreational user of cigarettes (to think better), beer (to forget) and the occasional guaro (to remember to take blood-pressure meds and a couple of aspirin).


Copyright 2012 Wild Raspberry Inc.

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