In these uncertain times, an age when many Americans do not know their president was born in the U.S.A. or that the GOP candidate is a Mormon (spelled with two “M’s” and only one “N”) the time has come to center ourselves with a few rounds of “Mr. Answer Guy.”
Let us start with a query on climate change.
Q. Last month, a blast of hot air drifted off the North American mainland to Greenland. This jag of heated atmosphere settled on the huge island the Vikings once claimed. Climate scientists noted melting of the Greenland ice cap.
The thaw began with a few acres of surface and spread to 830,000 square miles – a patch three times as big as Texas. Water poured off the ice into the Atlantic.
Some scientists speculated that the melt water could raise the sea level. Other scientists who insist global warming is a figment of someone’s imagination, said the thawing of Greenland’s ice cap was a common event – occurring on an average once every 150 years.
Space agency scientists picked up the event on three satellites. NASA meteorologists say the big thaw was the result of a blast of hot air drifting to Greenland from the heat wave in the United States. The jag of heated atmosphere settled onto the island like a dome full of Chinook. So … what’s the deal? Is global warming causing domes of hot air to lick up the Greenland ice cap?
A.G. No. Of course not. Greenland’s big melt was a rather common event. Every 150 years or so, Greenland breaks out in a sweat and tons of ice are turned into ice water. Greenland … .
Q. You’ve ducked the question. Who or what caused global warming?
A.G. Al Gore.
Q. Dear Mr. Answer Guy, I’ve been watching the Olympics. Why do all women soccer players look like sweaty guys with ponytails?
A.G.: A better question is why do most soccer squads seem like pickup teams. Typically, they will have three United States players, a Turk, a Scot or two, someone from the Caribbean and a Northern Cheyenne.
Q. Musselshell County is going into the used car business. A 1993 law allows lawmen and judges to confiscate and sell cars operated by drunken drivers.
Imagine Musselshell County Sheriff Woody Weitzeil pitching a muscle car that still smells of beer: “This little number was owned by Whiskey Jack from Parrot Creek, who only drove it on Saturday nights, keeping it mostly between the fences. Whatcha going to bid for ’em?”
Why don’t we capture and sell cars in Yellowstone County?
A.G. According to County Attorney Scott Twito, our jurisdiction is too big. Lawmen here would confiscate a half-dozen cars a week. The cost of hearings, storage space and paying off bankers who own a piece of most cars on the road would squeeze the profit out of the operation. OK. OK. We’re too big to succeed.
Q. Why, oh why, is there no baseball in the Olympics? “Beisbol” is bigger than bullfighting in Mexico, bigger than bananas in the Caribbean, as American as Apple computers. But not in the London Olympics. Wassup?
A.G. This is only speculation, but insiders say baseball was edged out by synchronized swimming.
You will recall that in 2008 North Korean Kim Yu Yao drowned. Of course, Kim’s death required all of her teammates to die. The Olympic Organizing Committee had announced its intention to scrap synchronized swimming and back baseball. Five liberals on the Olympics Organizing Committee said the action would wound Asian feelings. One conservative and a libertarian joined the majority and it was goodbye baseball.