The Billings Outpost

Answer Guy predicts election recount result

Time once again for that old fall-back, Mr. Answer Guy.

Dear Mr. Answer Guy,

What are Sandy Welch’s chances of winning the election she lost?

Sandy Welch, Republican candidate for superintendent of public instruction, lost her race against Democratic incumbent Denise Juneau.  Montana law allows a recount in races in which the difference in votes is less than 0.5 percent. 

Juneau won by 2,231 votes, a 0.475 percent margin.

The recount began this week and could be completed next week.

Calling for a recount was a no-brainer for Welch. She checked with Republican Party officials, who agreed to pay for the fresh tally.

Win or lose, the recount will cost Welch and/or the GOP roughly $115,000. 

So … what are Welch’s chances?

They are as slim as a smart-mouthed white boy’s chances of drinking a second beer in the Jim Town Bar.

• • •

Q. Is there any truth to the rumor that Sen. Max Baucus will retire in 2014 and Gov. Brian Schweitzer will run?

Yes, this is definitely true. You can take it to the bank. I heard it from the boiler maker who got it straight from a friend who heard it from a “reputable source.”

Baucus is an honest politician with few secrets. The great exception is his name: Max Sieben Enke. If you don’t believe me, ask to see his birth certificate.

Max’s mother was the daughter of a wealthy family. His father was Stephen Enke, a demographer and economist. The family lived in California until Max was two when his mother divorced the Ph.D. and returned to Montana.

Ranch family wealth and a new husband for his mother equals Baucus Land and Livestock. Max gets a new name and doesn’t have to pose with a flock of angora goats to claim that he’s a rancher. 

• • •

Q. A reputable source (not the one that the boiler maker’s friend relies upon) told me that the scandal involving the White House, Secretary of State prospect Suzan Rice and the attack in Benghazi were linked to the Vince Foster cover-up.

Is this true?

No, but it might have some connection to Doc Enke.

• • •

Q. Why is the longest shopping day of the year, the day after Thanksgiving, called “Black Friday?”

Black Friday only brings to mind Black Monday, which was Oct. 28, 1929, when the stock market fell like a lead plum and the skies over Wall Street rained tycoons.

What’s black about a day that fills the cash drawer and gives women a chance to shop until they drop to the tune of “Jingle Bells”? Seems like the most profitable day of the year would be called “Green Friday.” Again, why Black Friday?

Answer: Because the naming of special days and the writing of ad copy has been left to human beings with 3-watt brains.

• • •

Q. Rumor has it that Apple is buying land west of Shiloh Road and will break ground for a new building sometime before Easter. Question: If the rumor proves solid and an Apple store is built, will it have windows?

Answer: Mmmmm. That hurts!

• • •

Q. Have you heard the one about a man who had a manatee named “Hugh.” One day Hugh fell asleep too close to the stove and caught fire. The man screamed, “Oh! Hugh the Manatee.”

Have you ever written ad copy for a living?

Copyright 2012 Wild Raspberry Inc.

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