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22
Oct
2009
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Capt. Hilton joins ranks of history’s swindlers

The good folks of Hardin, Mont., were gulled twice: once by the builders of a $27 million prison and once by “Captain” Michael Hilton of “The American Police Force” who offered to rent the facility.


Capt. Hilton lost money on the scheme. How he stood to gain from the scam is uncertain.


In any case, the captain becomes one of my favorite rascals. Below are several others in the same class.


• • •


Chichikov, scoundrel protagonist of Gogol’s “Dead Souls,” lands in a rural district full of semi wealthy rubes. A high roller, he buys the drinks, picks up the tab. Soon he is hailed as a jolly good fellow with a purse full of silver and a head full of air.


The rubes take advantage of this Roscoe. They beat him at cards and sell him dozens of dead serfs (slaves). In 19th century Russia, serfs were taxed. Dead ones remained on the tax rolls until their absence was confirmed by the next census.


But there are no flies on Chichikov. He plans to collect a thousand or so defunct serfs, establish himself as a big butter and eggs man, take out a loan on his human property and buy a huge farm.


Con men like Chichikov and Capt. Hilton tend to overrate their own intelligence and underrate that of the marks.


In Chichikov’s case, rumors flare that the serfs he bought were dead and that he is planning to elope with the governor’s daughter. Other gossips claim he was Napoleon in disguise or the notorious and retired “Captain Kopeikin” who lost an arm and a leg during the war.


It becomes apparent that Chichikov is all hat and no cattle. Ostracized by the rustics, he flees in disgrace.


• • •


Carlo Ponzi was one of the greatest swindlers in American history. It was a high honor to have your pocket picked by his ilk. He was born in Lugo, Italy in 1882 and baptized Carlo Pietro Giovanni Guglielmo Tebaldo Ponzi. The name was so long that his christening consumed eight gallons of water.


Ponzi landed in Boston in 1903 with $2.50 in his pocket. He had left Italy with a fair stake but had lost it gambling on the way to America. He worked as a small time crook while learning English and studying to become a big time crook.


In 1918 he hit on a scheme to convert gullibility into cash. He offered investors a 50 percent return on their money in 45 days or 100 percent return in 90 days.
If someone asked to withdraw money invested months earlier, Ponzi paid him with cash collected from yesterday’s suckers. Most folks let their money ride, watching it grow faster than kudzu.


Eventually a newspaper reporter reported Ponzi’s scheme. Crowds of investors mobbed his office, demanding their money. Ponzi chatted with the marks, paid them off and served coffee and donuts. He sued the reporter for libel and was awarded $500,000.


For years, Ponzi bluffed anyone trying to expose his scam. Eventually he was prosecuted, jailed and sent back to Italy.


You would think that Ponzi would have earned his lesson, that he would pledge his life to Jesus, enter a monastery or dedicate himself to penance as a servant in a leper colony. But, nope, he swindled right and left. He was forced to flee to South America when he swindled the big cheese, Benito Mussolini.


• • •


Ponzi and at least 50 cons who used his scheme to bilk others of tens, even hundreds of millions of dollars, were small players compared to Bernie Madoff.
Madoff scammed friends, relatives, and religious charities of $20 billion.


Convicted of fraud, colossal greed and stealing from orphans and widows, Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in jail. He is due to get out of jail November 14, 2159. He will be 221 years old.


He has already had his first fight in prison, a dust up with another senior citizen.


• • •


“The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg” is the hero of a short piece of fiction by Mark Twain.


Hadleyburgers took pride in a reputation for honesty and responsibility. However someone among them offended a stranger who vowed to get revenge by corrupting the town.


The stranger leaves a sack of gold (worth $40,000) with Mr. and Mrs. Richards, one of the town’s 19 model couples. The gold is to be claimed by the man who purportedly gave the stranger valuable advice and $20 in a time of need. A letter with the sack suggested that anyone who knew what the advice was should write the remark down and submit it to the local preacher.


The Richards received a letter revealing the remark: “You are far from being a bad man. Go and reform.”


Mrs. Richards is ecstatic that they will be able to claim the gold. Unbeknownst to one another, all 19 couples have received identical copies of the letter. The couples submit their claims to the preacher and spend recklessly on credit in anticipation of their future wealth.


The story takes several crooked turns, corrupting the preacher among others, killing the Richards and robbing Hadleyburg of its good reputation.


• • •


Capt. Hilton is not the equal of any of the above, but give him time. He is still at large and that busy brain of his continues to click and whir.

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