The Billings Outpost

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GOP opposes sex ed; immigration fight old

The Montana Republican Party, that old Henny Penny, has taken a stand. The GOP opposes a “graphic, explicit” sex education program proposed for Helena schools. Republicans warn that Democrats might spread smut from Yaak to Alzada.

A party news release said Friday that the controversial program could spread to the rest of the state if Republicans don’t control the 2011 Legislature.

Could it really happen? Well, strange things do happen. Fish might grow feathers. Pigs might learn to fly and take to the sky and Republicans might support some form of education.

More likely, pigs will stay grounded and Democrats will leave sex education to local school boards.

Bowen Greenwood, Republican Party executive director, said Democrats have twice tried to pass laws that would create a statewide sex education program similar to the Helena’s.

In fact, the Montana Constitution bars the Legislature from telling local schools what to teach and how to teach it. Last session a bill introduced by Theresa Henry, D-Missoula, directed state officials to fund sex education for districts who requested it. The bill died in committee.

What could schools teach if their boards prescribed sex ed?

I dunno. When I was Tom Sawyer’s age, Becky Thatcher’s chastity was safe as cash in the bank. Most 11-year-olds learned everything about sex from 12-year-olds without learning anything.

Take my friend Ditsy (not his real nickname). Dits knew the names of all the parts and their functions but had no idea that his dear mother could function the same as those nasty girls who left their hometowns to spend their junior year with Aunt Florence.

His saintly mom looked like the spinster daughter of the farmer holding a pitchfork in Grant Woods’ “American Gothic.”

When another friend told Ditz that his mother had gotten him the same way those ruined girls at the Florence Crittenton Academy had conceived their little bundles of joy, he wigged out. He never lost the power of speech or became a serial killer but did wet his pants and was never quite right again. Not crazy exactly, but south by southwest.

• • •

Arizona’s squabble with the federal government over immigration law reminds us that the question of what to do with outlanders wanting in should have been answered by the first nations to occupy this continent. If Ice Age aboriginals had crafted and enforced stringent immigration laws, there would have no problem today.

The skeleton of a woman who lived on Caribbean coast of Mexico 10,000 to 12,000 years ago was one of those early people. Found in a sinkhole in 2002, the skeleton’s face was reconstructed recently, revealing a woman who looked like Barbara Walters on crank.

Anthropologists reckoned her to be between 44 and 50 years old at the time of her death. She was about 5 feet tall with a broad face, prominent cheeks, thin lips and a trace of epicanthic eye-folds.

Scientists said she would have looked much like women living today in Southeast Asia.

The above is clearly an example of racial profiling. I still say she looked like Barbara Walters on crank.

• • •

Rep. Denny Rehberg has been charged with being anti-firefighter. The charge is bunk of course. Democrats flung this mud at the congressman after he announced his intent to sue the city for failure to save his pine trees and sagebrush, the natural garnish of the family’s real estate development.

Last week Rehberg joined the Tea Party Congressional Caucus.

Of course, most of us are proud to have the goat rancher as our man in Washington. He’s Republican, most generally anti-labor, pro-money and feels comfortable lining up with the likes of Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh while huddling with Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn.

Nothing inconsistent about any of that. The fellow has integrity.


Copyright 2012 Wild Raspberry Inc.

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